bsumone | ❝ Nobody knows where you’re going ❞

It’s tough when you have no ID, no legit job, and couldn’t parse out a lease if you tried. Dal’s actually grateful for what he has because he knew it was rare. Oh, sire, he’s getting robbed in rent, but at least they’re not constantly upping the price for him to stay there.

Dal was nervous to be alone. He was also nervous about having someone else in his place. Not because it was small or shabby, but because it was his and he’s never brought anyone there for anything. That was his retreat from the world.

“Yes.”

Edited (Typo) 2023-04-07 05:43 (UTC)

"Alright. I'll come up with you."

Reaching over, Gabriel rested a hand on his leg then gave a gentle squeeze to reassure him before he went back to focusing on driving. When they got there, he found a good spot to park and turned off the car before getting out. Going to Dal's side, he gave him a smile.

"Ready?"

Dal was more than a little nervous. Maybe because of what he’s been through or maybe because he likes Gabriel and worries what he’ll think of how Dal lives. He nodded in answer and led Gabriel through the front of the restaurant. The workers inside recognized him and thought nothing of him wandering back beyond where customers were allowed. A quick turn just beyond the bathrooms led to a door with a narrow stairway beyond it. Upstairs was storage and another door off to the left, where Dal turned and fit his key into the lock.

Behind the door was a small studio apartment. There was a twin bed pushed up against the wall with a pillow propped up against it so he can sot up. A narrow door, presumably a closet, is beside it. The opposite wall is a small kitchenette, more of a counter with a small sink, a hot plate, a microwave, and a cabinet above which was empty. Then another door which was open that led to a tiny bathroom.

Dal didn’t turn to look back at Gabriel. Instead, he just went to the closet to pull out one of his remaining outfits.

“Um… do you mind if I change?”

It was actually better arrangements than expected. He really had lived in worse back in Mexico and he was grateful to see that Dal was doing okay here. Not perfect, and he certainly deserved better, but this was a relief. Gabriel nodded to let him know that he could change then shifted so he could look elsewhere to give Dal privacy in his own home to do anything he needed to do.

Maybe after they were able to date he could get him out of here. Maybe he could even have him live with him. What a thought. Already planning their future together.

Well, he couldn't help that part really. Dal made it so easy for him to imagine.

No, it really wasn’t a bad situation. It gave Dal a safe place to sleep and a place to store his few belongings. He didn’t need more than that.

The bathroom was barely big enough to stand in, let alone change clothes in. Hence Dal asking to change there. When Gabriel looked away, Dal was quick to peel the sweats from his waifish frame. He tugged on a pair of dark trousers that, like his jeans, were clearly too big, then pulled a thin black sweater with some splashes of neon colors over his head.

“Okay,” he said to let Gabriel know he could look again. He fished a pair of socks out of the duffel bag in the closet and sat down on the bed to put them on. Then he pulled one more thing from the bag: a sketchbook with a pencil stuck in the spiral binding.

“I’m ready to go now.”

Edited (typo) 2023-04-08 14:51 (UTC)

"Do you have everything you need?" They weren't here to grab much but that was alright. He still wanted Dal to make sure he had everything he could want since he might stay with him a little longer while he processed what he'd been through. Gabriel certainly didn't mind being his safety net as well.

He glanced at Gabriel and offered a subtle smile. “I do,” he murmured warmly. He clutched his notebook and stepped closer. “Are we goin’ back to the hotel?”

"Yes. Unless there's somewhere else you'd like to go." But the hotel would be a good safe place to be and he was going to be there a little longer to make sure the preparation for the trial went smoothly and that the killer wouldn't be able to do something like get bail in order to walk the streets again. Or worse...escape.

"Could I just sleep there a little?" He needed to get back to work, tonight if possible. Somehow, the idea of it was a little scary. More than a little scary. How could one event, one person make him so fearful of the very streets he's lived on for the last eight years? It's not even like his job is hard. Unlike higher classes of prostitutes, people didn't want to share their problems with Dal. Most of them didn't even care if he enjoyed himself. So it's not as if he had to pretend a whole lot or even do a lot of emotional labor.

So why was he so scared thinking about getting back out there?

"Whatever you need, Dal." He gave him a warm smile and a nod before leading the way back down to the car. Once he was sure that the younger man was settled, he drove them back, getting them up to the room soon after they got there. Going around, he made sure to dim lights and make sure that everything would be comfortable for sleeping before smiling at Dal and welcoming him to get comfortable on the bed.

"Get some rest. I'll be here if you need me."

This time, Dal set an alarm on his phone before toeing his shoes off and crawling into the bed they'd shared just the night before. This was how he normally slept: in his clothes and very much alone. It was harder to fall asleep with the memory of Gabriel's arms so fresh in his mind. For a time, he tossed and turned, sleeping fitfully, then finally falling still. A few hours passed peacefully until Dal bolted upright, practically screaming.

Gabriel had been napping on the couch after some reading when Dal woke up. Half blind since his glasses weren't on, he scrambled over to the bed to get to the other. "Dal, Dal...it's okay. You're safe. You're with me in my room..."

Reaching out, he pulled him into his arms, letting out a sigh and rubbing the back of his head.

"You're safe. He can't hurt you ever again..."

His body quaked in Gabriel's arms and his fingers curled with a white-knuckled grip into the man's shirt. The memory was too clear, too sharp... The smell of the soap that man used to wash him, the water he gasped into his mouth, the weight of his hands pressing Dal beneath the water. He gasped for breath as if he'd just been pulled out of that bathtub once again.

It took a moment for him to calm down enough for Gabriel's words to reach him. Though Dal kept shaking, his grip loosened and he blinked the wetness from his eyes.

"Sorry... I'm sorry..."

"You don't have to be sorry, Dal. You haven't done anything wrong."

Gently, he pushed tears away with the pads of his thumbs them pulled that trembling body back into his arms again. Rocking slowly, he ran his fingers through his hair to help calm him down.

"You've been through something terrifying. You're allowed to be scared."

He didn't want to cause a fuss or make so much noise that people in nearby rooms complained. But he was scared. Or rather, was still scared. Gabriel was his only reassurance, the only safety. And tonight, Dal had to go back out there to face the world and strangers again. A whole host of men would come to him, most unknown to him. And...

"Every time I close my eyes, all I see is that man and his placid smile distorted through water."

Pulling him back in close, he held him tight and ran his fingers through his hair. For a time, he was quiet, just letting Dal draw comfort from his steady presence. He wished he could find a way to undo the pain that Dal had suffered but that wasn't how life worked. That just wasn't the way things were and they never could be.

"Focus on breathing right now. On being here with me. It won't remove the scars but it will give you a moment to recover. In time you'll heal and find your strength again. But it's alright to let someone else be strong for you until then."

Closing his eyes, Dal sucked in a long breath. Then another. It helped to slow his thoughts and his racing pulse. Slowly, those thin fingers uncurled from Gabriel's shirt and his body started to grow more relaxed with each breath Dal took. He focused on Gabriel's voice, on the steadiness of his breath, and the strength of his body. And, oh, those fingers in his hair were so pleasantly soothing.

"I hafta get over this," he murmured as much to himself as to Gabriel. "I hafta work."

"You don't have to get over anything, Dal. You don't have to do a damn thing. You may never get over this and that's okay. What matters is that you live. You live and you grow."

It wouldn't be easy but the important thing he needed Dal to know was that it was okay to not be okay. To let others help him. While that man hadn't been someone he could trust that wasn't true of everyone in the world. It wasn't true of Gabriel. And all he could do was just make sure that he showed him that through actions.

He wanted to argue, to point out all the impracticality of being paralyzed like this. But he can’t. He can’t because he knew Gabriel was right.

On the other hand, it’s so hard to shake the ‘don’t work, don’t eat’ mentality Dal’s developed over the last eight years. Hasn’t he dealt with a plethora of bad things before now? Johns who pushed boundaries and crossed lines? That week a couple years back when he was laid up due to one such incident? Trips to the ED when pain or bleeding didn’t stop? And through it all, Dal never became afraid of strangers; he couldn’t afford to be. He made rules and routines to better protect himself.

But now? Now he was terrified of facing them, of going back to the streets.

He couldn’t rely on Gabriel forever, could he?

“I’m scared,” he mumbled, pressing his face against the agent’s shoulder.

"You're allowed to be scared."

That was something so many failed to realize. That someone was just genuinely allowed to be scared. Instead they wanted to say that someone shouldn't be or there was no reason to be. To encourage them to essentially get over it. But Gabriel didn't intend to do any of that. Fear was permitted and there was good reason to be afraid. Especially right now.

"You are allowed to be scared and you are allowed to lean on me," he assured him.

"I can't remember feelin' like this... ever." Even when he first landed in JFK. Even when he set foot in the first shelter he slept in. Even when he resigned himself to sex work to live. And every night since when he left the safety of his dingy little apartment to spend hours on the streets or in the company of strange men who only wanted to use his body. Dal couldn't remember being this afraid of anything.

"How do I fix it?" It hasn't even been a full day yet. Logically, he knew it would take time to get things back to normal. It wasn't the logical part of his mind that was asking.

"I gotta work, Gabriel," he insisted. It's one thing to lean on him for emotional support. He couldn't expect Gabriel to pay his way. "I gotta."

"I think that what needs to be clear here is that you are not broken. Your feelings don't make you broken. More than that it's okay to get help from someone, especially if that someone wants to help you."

Gabriel knew that wasn't easy to accept for someone who had had to be independent for so long. Getting him to break that mindset would not be a simple task. After all, he had viable proof that asking for help would get him nothing and only one real moment of proof to show otherwise.

"You do not need to be fixed. If you want to work then you can when you are ready. And it's alright to let me help you until you are ready."

Dal blinked up at him, eyes wide and… almost childlike in their wonder. Gabriel’s never asked anything of him. Even their first time speaking, it was Dal who offered to tell the agent what little he knew.

And now after saving Dal’s life, pathetic as it may seem to others, he was offering to continue saving him; saving him from his own judgment, from homelessness, from losing that one thread of hope that kept him going night after night.

Dal didn’t feel the sting of tears until they spilled over his cheeks. This time, they were from a mix of relief and happiness that shone clearly through them. It wasn’t appropriate, but Dal reached up to ghost the tips of his fingers over Gabriel’s cheek. How awed he was of this man who never judged him, who only wanted to help people like him, who expected nothing in return.

And Dal, with all his artful skill and doing being what men want, trembled to make such an open and honest gesture.

“Thank you.”

Gabriel gave him a warm smile and used his fingers to gently push the tears away. However, he didn't ask him to stop crying. No, Dal needed these tears and he needed to know that it was alright to cry. It was safe with him. There was no need to hide from him. Emotionally or physically. Because Gabriel refused to ever cross the line with Dal on any level.

"Would you like me to move to the bed so you can try sleeping again? It might be easier if I'm closer."

It would necessarily chase the nightmares away entirely but it would create a safer environment for Dal which mattered more until those nightmares could go away.

"Would it be a bother?" Gabriel could work on whatever he needed to and Dal could just lay his head on Gabriel's thigh. Just being close to him was calming. Dal knows this can't go on forever, but he needed time to adjust to his new normal or heal from the trauma. Or maybe both.

But until then... is it so bad to accept Gabriel's kindness for now? This man who only wants to help him? Who would consider a life with him after all this horror is through?

No. No, it isn't such a bad thing to rely on this man.

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CW: Implied sexual assault and other abuse

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