bsumone | ❝ Nobody knows where you’re going ❞

He didn't want to cause a fuss or make so much noise that people in nearby rooms complained. But he was scared. Or rather, was still scared. Gabriel was his only reassurance, the only safety. And tonight, Dal had to go back out there to face the world and strangers again. A whole host of men would come to him, most unknown to him. And...

"Every time I close my eyes, all I see is that man and his placid smile distorted through water."

Pulling him back in close, he held him tight and ran his fingers through his hair. For a time, he was quiet, just letting Dal draw comfort from his steady presence. He wished he could find a way to undo the pain that Dal had suffered but that wasn't how life worked. That just wasn't the way things were and they never could be.

"Focus on breathing right now. On being here with me. It won't remove the scars but it will give you a moment to recover. In time you'll heal and find your strength again. But it's alright to let someone else be strong for you until then."

Closing his eyes, Dal sucked in a long breath. Then another. It helped to slow his thoughts and his racing pulse. Slowly, those thin fingers uncurled from Gabriel's shirt and his body started to grow more relaxed with each breath Dal took. He focused on Gabriel's voice, on the steadiness of his breath, and the strength of his body. And, oh, those fingers in his hair were so pleasantly soothing.

"I hafta get over this," he murmured as much to himself as to Gabriel. "I hafta work."

"You don't have to get over anything, Dal. You don't have to do a damn thing. You may never get over this and that's okay. What matters is that you live. You live and you grow."

It wouldn't be easy but the important thing he needed Dal to know was that it was okay to not be okay. To let others help him. While that man hadn't been someone he could trust that wasn't true of everyone in the world. It wasn't true of Gabriel. And all he could do was just make sure that he showed him that through actions.

He wanted to argue, to point out all the impracticality of being paralyzed like this. But he can’t. He can’t because he knew Gabriel was right.

On the other hand, it’s so hard to shake the ‘don’t work, don’t eat’ mentality Dal’s developed over the last eight years. Hasn’t he dealt with a plethora of bad things before now? Johns who pushed boundaries and crossed lines? That week a couple years back when he was laid up due to one such incident? Trips to the ED when pain or bleeding didn’t stop? And through it all, Dal never became afraid of strangers; he couldn’t afford to be. He made rules and routines to better protect himself.

But now? Now he was terrified of facing them, of going back to the streets.

He couldn’t rely on Gabriel forever, could he?

“I’m scared,” he mumbled, pressing his face against the agent’s shoulder.

"You're allowed to be scared."

That was something so many failed to realize. That someone was just genuinely allowed to be scared. Instead they wanted to say that someone shouldn't be or there was no reason to be. To encourage them to essentially get over it. But Gabriel didn't intend to do any of that. Fear was permitted and there was good reason to be afraid. Especially right now.

"You are allowed to be scared and you are allowed to lean on me," he assured him.

"I can't remember feelin' like this... ever." Even when he first landed in JFK. Even when he set foot in the first shelter he slept in. Even when he resigned himself to sex work to live. And every night since when he left the safety of his dingy little apartment to spend hours on the streets or in the company of strange men who only wanted to use his body. Dal couldn't remember being this afraid of anything.

"How do I fix it?" It hasn't even been a full day yet. Logically, he knew it would take time to get things back to normal. It wasn't the logical part of his mind that was asking.

"I gotta work, Gabriel," he insisted. It's one thing to lean on him for emotional support. He couldn't expect Gabriel to pay his way. "I gotta."

"I think that what needs to be clear here is that you are not broken. Your feelings don't make you broken. More than that it's okay to get help from someone, especially if that someone wants to help you."

Gabriel knew that wasn't easy to accept for someone who had had to be independent for so long. Getting him to break that mindset would not be a simple task. After all, he had viable proof that asking for help would get him nothing and only one real moment of proof to show otherwise.

"You do not need to be fixed. If you want to work then you can when you are ready. And it's alright to let me help you until you are ready."

Dal blinked up at him, eyes wide and… almost childlike in their wonder. Gabriel’s never asked anything of him. Even their first time speaking, it was Dal who offered to tell the agent what little he knew.

And now after saving Dal’s life, pathetic as it may seem to others, he was offering to continue saving him; saving him from his own judgment, from homelessness, from losing that one thread of hope that kept him going night after night.

Dal didn’t feel the sting of tears until they spilled over his cheeks. This time, they were from a mix of relief and happiness that shone clearly through them. It wasn’t appropriate, but Dal reached up to ghost the tips of his fingers over Gabriel’s cheek. How awed he was of this man who never judged him, who only wanted to help people like him, who expected nothing in return.

And Dal, with all his artful skill and doing being what men want, trembled to make such an open and honest gesture.

“Thank you.”

Gabriel gave him a warm smile and used his fingers to gently push the tears away. However, he didn't ask him to stop crying. No, Dal needed these tears and he needed to know that it was alright to cry. It was safe with him. There was no need to hide from him. Emotionally or physically. Because Gabriel refused to ever cross the line with Dal on any level.

"Would you like me to move to the bed so you can try sleeping again? It might be easier if I'm closer."

It would necessarily chase the nightmares away entirely but it would create a safer environment for Dal which mattered more until those nightmares could go away.

"Would it be a bother?" Gabriel could work on whatever he needed to and Dal could just lay his head on Gabriel's thigh. Just being close to him was calming. Dal knows this can't go on forever, but he needed time to adjust to his new normal or heal from the trauma. Or maybe both.

But until then... is it so bad to accept Gabriel's kindness for now? This man who only wants to help him? Who would consider a life with him after all this horror is through?

No. No, it isn't such a bad thing to rely on this man.

"No. I fell asleep already so I might as well get more rest too."

He smiled at him, still not able to see clearly without his glasses but not minding. Instead, he just shifted to gather Dal into his arms. With minimal effort he moved him over a bit then climbed into bed with him. Tucking him close, he relaxed in the bed. It had been awhile since he last dated so it felt good to have someone in his arms in bed again. Of course they weren't actually dating yet but that hardly changed the feeling of it.

"I'll be right here."

Dal's never really dated. He also isn't the type who spends nights with people. Sleeping, actually sleeping next to a stranger puts him in an unsafe position. So he avoids it, and, thankfully, very few of his clients ever want it. Dal just isn't that sort of whore. But lying next to Gabriel? Being wrapped up in his strong arms? Laying his head on the agent's shoulder and draping an arm over his middle? All those things felt nice. They made him feel warm and safe and melts all the ugliness of the world away for a time.

He could get used to this. He wants to get used to this.

But Dal's exhausted from his fitful sleep and nightmares, so it's not surprising that he drfits off quickly. It's well into the night when he wakes against. It's with a start, but he's not screaming nor is he paralyzed with terror. In the fraction of a second it takes his mind to remember where he is, who he's with, all fear subsides. He shifts in the bed, propping himself up on one elbow to better make out Gabriel's features in the dark.

Dal wonders if he finds Gabriel handsome because he's kind. No, he remembers thinking the agent handsome from the start. Being kind just makes him more attractive in Dal's eyes. He's not sure how much time he spent just gazing at the other man. This man who makes him think of a future, maybe one they could have together. Ah, his heart beats faster and warmth fills his chest. Even if it isn't with him. Dal hopes Gabriel has so much happiness in his future.

And if the man stirs while Dal's contemplating him? He'll just smile in the dark and ask if Gabriel's hungry.

Dal moving made the man stir in his sleep. Like he knew something was wrong. Opening blurry and sleepy eyes, he found Dal watching him. So he was awake. Letting out a yawn, he shifted a little and was about to ask if the other was alright when he comprehended that he'd been asked a question.

"Hm? Oh. A little. Are you?" Because if he was then he could get up now and make sure to get them both food. It was good for Dal to eat anyway. Especially after everything that he'd been through not so long ago.

"Yeah," he answered quietly, as if he was still worried about waking Gabriel up. "Wanna order in or go get somethin'?" He understood if Gabriel didn't want to be seen spending too much time with him. People might get the wrong impression and it could affect the case.

"Order in. I look a mess." Because he was pretty sleep deprived. But he didn't mind that. It had all been worth it to get this case solved and to save someone who had become so precious to him in the process. He gave him a little smile then finally groaned as he went to sit up finally.

A soft smile curls his lips and he reaches out to brush his fingers over Gabriel's hair, smoothing it out a little. His own hair stuck up every which way, but he didn't mind. He had a toque buried deep in a coat pocket, so he could tuck his hair under if it need be. Besides, Gabriel's already seen him half-dead and ugly crying. What's a little sticky-up hair going to do to put him off?

In that same quiet voice, he adds, "You look wonderful to me."

Gabriel let out a soft laugh and rubbed his face. "Thanks. I'll believe you."

Looking around, he remembered his glasses were by the couch instead and gave up on getting them for now. Until he remembered his phone was over there too. Letting out a sigh, he went to turn on the light and go over there so he could grab both of them. He had to blink a little to adjust his vision but soon he was back with everything he needed including the glasses on his face.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Do you like Chinese? The place I live over is good." It has a Chinese name which Dal probably brutalized when he gives it to Gabriel to punch into his phone. "They make a real good yellow curry." His mouth waters just thinking about it.

Luckily for them both, Gabriel had seen the sign when they'd been there the day before. So he was able to get it down even with the butchered language. Smiling, he nodded and got it all down then got the menu out. "I can order you that yellow curry then. There's a meat option here. What would you like?"

"Chicken, please~" Dal basically sang his answer and kicks his feet a little. "Watcha gonna get?"

"I'm not that interesting and usually just get fried rice," he admitted with a soft laugh. "But if you recommend the curry maybe I'll get that as well. Unless you have other recommendations for me to try."

"Get the fried rice. I'll share with ya." Dal flashes him a smile and a wink. He can never eat the whole dish anyway, so sharing's a great idea. Gabriel's probably noticed that by now. "We can do it family style."

"Sounds good to me." He added an order of that to their food and got them both some teas as well. With that done, he set his phone aside and gave a stretch before relaxing again to give Dal a smile. "It looks like you're feeling better. I'm glad."

Nodding, Dal also flops back against the pillows, then wiggles a little closer until his shoulder bumps Gabriel's. He is feeling better after a more restful sleep. And knowing he doesn't have to face the world just yet? That helps his spirits, too.

"I slept good."

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CW: Implied sexual assault and other abuse

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