bsumone | ❝ You fairies love where love is wise and just ❞

What can he say to that? What can he say that's appropriate for the place they're in, for the ocean of years between them, for the inherent imbalance of their roles right here and now? He gave up so much in his divorce just to avoid a custody battle, so he could still see his daughter somewhat regularly. This job was about the only thing he had left. He had to tread carefully if he wanted to keep that.

So he said nothing.

Wait. Where was the agreement? Why wasn't Cooper saying that he was right and he wasn't attracted to him like that? Eli stared at him and felt tears in the corners of his eyes. His heart was aching. This was the man he'd had feelings for multiple years now and suddenly...

"You are. That's the problem. You are."

His heart pounded in his chest and he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. This... was not the time or place for the conversation they needed to have. James felt the lump his throat when Eli confronted him with his attraction. His chest went tight and he was sure, so sure that everyone in the library could hear them despite their hushed voices. James swallowed hard and didn't meet Eli's eyes.

"That would be inappropriate."

Inappropriate. It would be inappropriate. Eli felt himself trembling in his chair as he looked down at the floor. He hadn't asked for any of this. His situation, these feelings, this moment... But here he was.

In a sudden rush, he looked again to see if anyone would see. No one though. Very quickly, he took a chance and surged over to use to barrier to keep them sheltered as he suddenly gave the man a quick kiss. It was so stupid. So fucking stupid. But he did it anyway.

"I don't want be transferred..." He wasn't even trying to sell himself to keep the class. He just... He was desperate and didn't know what do do and...

This was a mess.

All coherent thought stopped for what felt like solid minutes. In truth, it was mere seconds, not even that, from the time Eli moved, kissed him, and pulled back. His lips seared from the contact and his pulse raced. Mixed images, one-part reality, one-part fantasy, tumbled through his mind and James had to physically shake himself to focus on the issue at hand: the were still in the school.

His focus sharpened, something heated and borderline wild in those usually calm eyes. This was far too much to tolerate and there was nothing -- absolutely nothing -- James could do about it. He's struggling, it showed in his face, in the way his hands fisted into his trousers.

"My daughter is your age."

"...I don't...get why that's bad."

It wasn't like James would be the first man to date someone his child's age? Not that they were dating. Or were going to date. That was impossible wasn't it. A tear actually fell down his face and he quickly used the heel of his hand to dry it.

"You're really just...going to do it."

He takes his glasses off and folds them into his shirt pocket. "This is not up for discussion." Not here, anyway.

It wasn't fair. He hadn't done anything wrong but he felt like he was being punished. And it hurt more because he had feelings for the man. Some more tears fell but he knew there was nothing he could even do. It wasn't like he had the power here.

So Eli turned back to his book and just laid his head on it to accept his fate of losing his favorite class with his favorite teacher. Because if he fought this then he could get Cooper in trouble with what he knew.

And himself...

This sucked so bad.

It was the only solution. To protect Eli. To protect himself, his job. Without anything more to say on the matter, and not wanting to give Eli a chance to bring up something else, James took his leave. It wouldn't surprise him Eli suddenly felt ill and spent the whole of last period in the nurse's office to avoid his class.

James certainly wasn't as enthusiastic in his lesson as usual.

His mind was elsewhere. That boy's tears, the press of his lips... It's all he could think about. Once the initial shock of realizing he broke Eli's heart passed, he realized he couldn't actually request to have him transferred to another class, either. If he did so, he'd have to explain why and he couldn't in good conscious say why. It would put his job at risk. And it might cause issues for Eli, too.

Hadn't James done enough to this poor kid?

Needless to say, Eli's schedule never changed. There was no transfer and he continued on in James' class. This time, he was careful not to pay too much attention to Eli during class, keeping his eyes off him helped.

But then the nights would come and it was just James alone with his thoughts. Inappropriate thoughts about such a young man... Did thinking of him that way make it better? Eli was barely fresh 18, hardly a man at all. Even if the age difference wasn't a problem, their status as teacher and student was. Ah, but that also made the fantasies even better.

And by the weekend, he was back at his seedy little bar. He'd been there for hours, throwing back drink after drink in an effort to quiet the tumult in his mind. Which meant he had more than a few too many. Which left him wondering about Eli once again. Which... left him wandering across the street. Just for a glimpse, James told himself once he paid the cover to get inside. He didn't take a seat near the stage, instead opting for a table in a more secluded area. It would be best if Eli didn't know he was there.

His heart wasn't in it. It hadn't been since it was broken by the object of his affection several days ago. But that wasn't a good reason to miss work. Which then meant that Eli was there working on one of the smaller stages, ever the popular one because his body type differed from the other guys at the club.

With a smile, he crawled to a man and beckoned him to come closer before he puffed air on him then danced out of reach again. It was that backing away that almost caused him to stumble when he saw who was being seated in the club.

What? What the hell was he doing here? He almost stormed off then and there.

Only he was still the new guy here. He couldn't afford to do that. Eli cursed in his head then kept working his shift, pretending he didn't see that Cooper wasn't leaving. He was actually at a fucking table and he was staying there. The very man who said that he was too young. That this was inappropriate. Who had said he was transferring him but still hadn't.

By the time his shift was done it was late at night and Eli was in the alley fishing around for his bus pass. Or at least he was until he saw Cooper.

Immediately he stormed up to him.

"What are you doing? You drew the line! Why are you crossing it? You were the one who made it clear how inappropriate I am!"

He's not sure why he even went. Or why he stayed until last call. He definitely had too much to drink to drive home, so he was fumbling in his pocket for his phone when he heard steps coming closer. Turning quickly, he sagged in relief when he saw it was only Eli and not some would-be mugger. Phone forgotten in his hand, he gave the boy a tired smile...

Oh, but he didn't seem happy. That smile faded quickly as soon as he got a closer look at his expression.

What was he doing? James couldn't even say. The cadence of Eli's speech, more than his words, was actually kind of soothing. If he was angry, he still felt something, right? He hadn't given up (given up on what?). He'd had enough to drink that his eyes were glassy and his mind pleasantly fogged. So he was only absorbing about half of what Eli had to say.

Then, just as casually as ever, said, "I can't stop thinking about you."

Eli was opening his mouth to say something else when the man spoke. And said that. One look at him said that his stupid teacher was actually drunk. "You're the one who is going to transfer me!"

A door behind him opened and a bouncer poked his head out after hearing raised voices. He asked if Eli was okay. If he needed this guy to be handled. Sighing, the teen waved his hand to let him know he was fine. "He's just a drunken idiot. I know him. It's okay."

Once the guy was back inside, Eli stomped closer to Cooper who was just slightly taller than him.

"What do you want from me? It's not okay to mess with me like this."

"I don't know," he answered. It was the first thing he could think of to say, but he immediately shook his head. He knew. He knew exactly what he wanted, but it just... It wasn't right for so many reasons.

"That's not what I'm trying to do." If it was, wouldn't he have sat right there at the stage, made certain that Eli knew he was there, watching... being lecherous? He's silent a moment, trying to pull something coherent out of his brain and failing, to his own dismay.

"I'm sorry," he finally settled on. "About the other day in the library. But you can't do things like that at the school!"

"So I can't kiss you at school but it's okay for you to show up at my job where I'm dancing practically naked on a pole? Are you seeing a logic here? Because I'm not."

Eli waved his hands to the side as if to present the lack of logic there. Very good presentation if you asked him given how there was nothing but a filthy alleyway around them. Annoyed, he frowned at him then shoved his shoulder.

"I've had feelings for you since I was sixteen. Did you know that? I bet you didn't! I even tried dating three other people but nope. Just you in my head all the time. Some guy I could never have and you sure proved that in the library. Only now you're here and drunk and telling me you can't stop thinking about me? Do you know how much that hurts? I might be eighteen but that doesn't mean you can treat me like a child right now!"

Realizing he was starting to ramble, he shut himself up for a second. "Tell me what you want from me. And don't just tell me I don't know."

A job Eli wasn’t likely to lose because one more presumably horny guy showed up. Unlike if someone happened to see a student and teacher kissing in the back if the library.

“Come with me. Somewhere. Anywhere. Your place, my place… Denny’s.” That seemed like the safest, most neutral option. “Somewhere we can have an actual conversation.”

Oh he wanted to refuse. So bad but... "...fine."

He was too frustrated to find his bus pass anyway. Crossing his arms, he looked away. A deep breath and he nodded to him. "Denny's. You're buying."

Sure this was someone who had gone through a divorce and was on a teacher's salary but he was prepared with all the reasons why Cooper owed him a late night meal and a ride. He could give him that at least.

One splurge at Denny’s wouldn’t make him miss the mortgage. It’s no burden to buy Eli a meal. James owed him that much for the last couple of days.

“I’ll get your ride home, too.” Since he wasn’t t driving and he wasn’t about to strand Eli at Denny’s. James finally lifted his phone to get them a ride share. This time of night, the pricing wasn’t too bad and they only had to wait a few minutes before they were in the back of a sedan on the way to the diner.

In the car he sat on the opposite side and refused to talk to the man. In fact he was silent all the way up until it was time to give his order. Then he was quiet again until he had his food.

Picking at his fries even as he ate them he looked at his teacher finally.

"You wanted to talk. Talk."

Okay, he deserved the silent treatment. Mixed signals and all that. That was fair and he wouldn’t fault Eli for it.

Once the finally had food — James ordered a greasy breakfast with pancakes to help soak up the booze. He tried to focus on the plate since the lingering sweat and slight flush gave Eli a very tempting look.

Finally, he drew in a long breath and exhaled it slowly.

“I’ve been reading your work for almost three years now. I think you can learn somethings about a person by how they write, by how they interpret what they read, and by the arguments they make. You can tell by even a short essay the people who think deeply and the ones who can’t see anything beyond the literal word of the text. You can almost feel like you’re getting to know someone.”

Babbling. He’s babbling. “What I know about you is that you’re smart, maybe a bit sensitive. You’re a critical thinker. So, you must understand that these last few weeks have been filled with jarring revelations. Not just about you and your job. But about myself as well.”

None of this was getting to the point. But he didn't interrupt him and let him go on. Eli took a bite of the sandwich he'd gotten while he waited. Sucking ketchup off his fingers he eyed the man.

"Which led to you deciding to transfer me out of your class and rejecting me. Yeah I remember all those really fun parts."

Okay maybe he shouldn't be so sassy right now. But the mixed signals had him really, really thrown. So he wanted straight answers. No more saying one thing then doing another.

“Please understand. This… these feelings blindsided me. Given our age difference and the fact that you’re my student… Those facts complicate things further.”

His brows drew together. “I didn’t realize your feelings until a few days ago.” He honestly just thought Eli was an enthusiastic student, not someone with a crush.

"You weren't really supposed to. But then you said all that and I was scared and the kiss just happened."

He sighed and set his food down. After swallowing he looked at the man.

"I've always wanted to dance since I was four. But it got expensive and my parents tried to keep me from it so many times that I got an emancipation to follow my dreams. I transferred to this school to finish my education and you were the first teacher I had that first day that didn't ask about my life. You instead saw what book I was reading then lent me the one in your hands because I might like it."

His gaze fell. "I fell for you then and made sure I always had your class. Even if I could never have you I could have the memories. But then you found my job and I thought the person who mattered to me would hate me. But you didn't. And then you told me you were transferring me because of your feelings..."

Rubbing at his eyes to keep from crying, he glared at his burger. "Our reputations meant more than my feelings though."

He can't stop himself from reaching across the table. Whether or not Eli lets him lay his hand on one of his is completely up to him. James won't try to force it. But seeing him near to tears again hurts too much to ignore. James wanted to comfort him, to hold him if he could but... Well, they're sitting on opposite sides of the table so that's out of the question.

"It's not that simple," he urged. Why? Well, because he really wasn't in a good frame of mind. And also, he didn't want Eli to think that way. So cynical. But that's what James had implied, wasn't it?

"Firstly, I can't have you transferred. I would have to explain why it needed to be done and that doesn't bode well for either of us. Secondly, it's not just about reputation." He paused them, looking somewhat dejected. "Yes that's part of it. There are rules against teachers having affairs with their students for reasons. You can't imagine how gossip flies in the staff room."

James looked down at his plate, taking his glasses off so he could rub the bridge of his nose.

"My wife -- ex-wife -- was a student of mine when I used to teach at university." So, hopefully, Eli would understand his hesitance better. "It's frowned upon for professors to have relationships with their students, but there are no rules against it. She was about your age when we met. You can imagine how it looked: older man taking advantage of barely grown woman. We saw each other for a few years and got married the minute we found out she was pregnant."

So, yes reputation was part of his concern. When he first started teaching high school, the rumors abounded. Did the university force him out? Was this his first affair with a student? At least then he wasn't so much older that it looked criminal. Twenty years later, though? What would people think if he got involved with an 18-year-old now? One of his own students, no less!

"I'm trying to protect us both. If" oh, and he really stressed that if, "something happened between us and anyone found out... They would look back and see you'd been my student for several years. And then the questions would start. What happened when, who initiated it. I don't want to put you through that."

He wanted to pull away. He really did want to. But the fact that he was getting that touch meant a lot so he accepted it and settled while he listened. It was a lot to take in but there were nice things in there. Like finding out he wasn't getting transferred and that apparently James had something of a type which he fit. Maybe that shouldn't have been the exact take away but he was just trying to find some positives in all of this to pull him through.

Licking his lips, Eli slowly looked up.

"...do you want something to happen between us? Do you want me? Because this has to be my choice too. You can't just decide things for me."

The question had him tear his eyes away from the plate and peering over at Eli once more. Though they were a little glassy from drinking and little unfocused with his glasses, there was intensity there. It looked like he might be on the verge of tears just from trying to keep everything safe and contained yet wanting, someone he shouldn't.

James seemed to sag in his seat, his fingers gripping the boy's hand tightly. He shook his head slightly and uttered a quiet, "Oh, God, I do."

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